Samstag, 23. Oktober 2010

Cute =)

And Ms. Jennitals here, futzing around in my truck of bright orange doom: (She likes the truck, I however, would have to disagree. Yes, it gets me places, so that's all that really counts anyway)

Right. I totally reject Twilight and refuse to have anything to do with it, (Edit: I actually watched it and it wasn't as bad as I expected, but still pretty bad, - a glittery vampire, WTF!?) but here I am finishing the fifth Harry Potter. Bryan and I just started the first one about three weeks ago. We’ve made it just in time to be able to catch the sixth one in theaters. The fifth Harry Potter is my favorite, I can't imagine the next being an improvement visually. In each film I kept a look out for that owl - the clumsy one, who delivers all the mail and crashes into everything. Haha. I love how they did the fight sequence between Dumbledore and 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' .It was breathtaking. The whole thing, fantastic visually. The way everything was spliced - the memory scenes, I mean. It’s close to how flashbacks really feel. Sure there are slight things to criticize, but I’m not going to. The movies are brilliant without having to count on overplayed scenes just to make up for a lack of substance. I’m hardly ever very impressed with wholesome movies. No, that’s not true. But my point stands out better now.
It is nice having a boyfriend who runs a video store. And video game stuff too but we do everything on computers these days, sadly. I completely miss playing sonic the hedgehog, echo the dolphin, crash bandicoot, Croc + other cheesy games. Since his store has the typical mix-up we're able to keep mostly any film. We have so many movies now, such a sick amount between the two of us. I'm already looking forward to seeing The Fourth Kind with Milla Jovovich. It looks pretty scary actually! I could never straight face an Alien type film. (well not true for all) But I'll admit, 'Signs' scared me hard. M. Night Shyamalan is so gifted in creating those creepy atmospheres. He takes the ordinary, the everyday commonality in which anyone can relate, - manipulates it, - for when we are to reexamine that ordinary thing, it has been so creep-revised, you no longer can refer to that thing as it once was - an ordinary taken for granted thing. - That, is undeniably beautiful. For months after I watched Signs I needed to have Bryan touch my back or put a pillow behind me so no "alien hand" could get there... >_< or I would ask him to let me fall asleep first while it's still "safe", Hah. My reaction to watching Fire in the Sky = far more pathetic than Signs though. Fuck that movie right here! The whole movie is sluggish and tolerable - even retarded, then suddenly out of nowhere... this memory scene that the main actor experiences, caused by some silly flapjack syrup that accidentally falls down his face... hits the screen for several terrifying minutes of complete fuck! Depending on how hormonal I am that day, it can be unbearable to watch. I love gore, medical related scenarios, even silly supernatural things. None of it repels me at all, - rather opposite, except the one subject ... Aliens, Oh & Volcanoes. Why! It's so dumb. So much intolerance, I must have been abducted before or something ... in a magma encrusted spaceship, probably. Those are my biggest visual fears. And I give that power to anyone who reads this if you feel like being evil. ^^

Donnerstag, 30. September 2010

Definition of love.

“Being in love is nothing, it’s sticking together that’s difficult.”

Life for me didn’t begin the day I met Bryan; nor once we fell for each other. I can’t know the day that even happened. It wasn’t ‘a’ day. Love hadn’t yet factored into my life, let alone my thoughts when [we] first met. Dating was always like a ‘thing’ I just felt I was supposed to do. Then ... -- well, what comes next: Then I met Bryan and the rest is history. Right. Not really. What I experience love not to be: I don’t think it’s that initial tingly feeling which is usually lust cloaking itself as something more enduring when unaccompanied by that other emotion or the desperation that requires love to begin with: ‘once upon a time’ and ends in ‘And they lived happily ever after’, meanwhile in some other time, in some far away distant land a knight in shining armor shows up willing to serve and obey miss modern day damsel in distress. The latter, being rather, actually unattractive and abasing. I think love is largely about brutal honesty, and compassion since we’re playing with definitions here. I do so enjoy the idea of being a ‘power couple’, though, not to “gain” or seek power over others, nor to concern ourselves with others, at least in terms of how we embrace our relationship. And maybe chivalry is more aesthetically appropriate but I find it also, boring. Almost sophomoric; it has the potential to seem lazy and impatient -- expectant and demanding. Yes to: good natured, well mannered, kindly, compassionate and truthful, |of course|, but I can’t stand the idea of love as [conscious] enslavement, or disempowerment. To be regarded highly and only, but not by force, or on unrealistic and ridiculous conditions. I want to be enriched, and enriching, not served or serving. I believe that when you truly are in love with someone, anything you do for them, no matter how drastic or simple the gesture, it isn’t going to be a kind of service. - It’s just second nature. To possess is to neuter, and disempower. You love and so your instincts push you, almost effortlessly and mutually, to guide, not grovel.

A thought that will occasionally cross my mind, regarding our relationship: Funny how the two of us ended up together. It’s so true and so strange how it all fell into place. I cannot imagine my life without this individual now. What chance.

When I think of love, I think the only true or legitimate rule(s) I’ve ever really had, are: Be truthful to yourself, and truthful to me. I think of all kinds of negative scenarios sometimes, but I think, maybe (?) that’s normal; mentally preparing for bad situations -- even if they’ve never happened in the past and likely won’t come in the future. And while Bryan has never cheated on {me}, and is just not the type to, if there is even really {a type}, - I sometimes wonder how I’d react: what-if. What if it happened, without ever having experienced how that situation might feel. I imagine I’d probably be upset with Bryan, not the other. It’s never the duty or commitment of the other, and blame is still only blame. It solves nothing, and you’ve got to face the situation head on still. Blame prolongs the hurt and distracts the reality of the situation. Which I imagine to be both relieving and painfully drawn out. Sounds logical, I guess. And what do I know. I’ve never been there, but: What-If. And another : death. I don’t think I ever *truly* paid ‘death’ mind until I experienced love. But unlike the infidelity scenario, death is certain, and much like our coming together is due solely to chance, so then is our coming apart. And this is the most terrifying thought of all. Exposed and totally vulnerable. I’m not so keen on believing we’ll just magically contract painless-sleeping-death-syndrome in bed together on the very same night. - blissfully and “fatefully”, we perish! But not before we burn! and pine! Of course! heh. There are some who are absolutely anti-love for the sheer fact, fear and anticipation of having to endure the pain of loss. I cannot imagine sitting here typing away on my journal, baking my little treats, snapping the hours away with my camera or ever Doing. Anything. The. Same. Ever. Again. Without: Bryan in my life. And to think, at all, on losing him. - It’s crushing. It changes *all things* Right now is Now, we’re here and all that, and I guess it’s so easy to ‘what-if’ these things, because I’m GRATEFUL for them being just: what-ifs. So. I can’t say my life started the moment I fell for Bryan, but it’s fair to say it very well could end without him in it now.

Of course I’m this brazen and matter-of-fact about love. I’m in love. I love someone who happens to love me at the very same time. There’s no need to attempt poetry here or write love letters. Everyday in love is love. Everyday we are together is love. That he will still turn away when I ask him, as I’m dressing -- even though we’ve seen each other. So that it may be more fun to see the end result of time spent dressing and all of that other ultra girly shit. And even though he still sneaks his peeks and I still bitch at him for it. Yes. That’s love. Silly, ordinary moments become flirtatious and memorable times. That he makes me feel good about my interests, studies, obsessions, and choices even when it isn’t a mutual interest or opinion, and that we're not afraid to disagree with each other. = That it's more attractive to agree with each other, when we actually agree with each other. That there are worse things than the worst things about him. Suddenly it seems cheap to speak in any other way about someone you love, to speak too much is still too little, saying anything, at all, will still not say enough, or tries to say too much, like maybe right now, for instance. But you become safe in that you don’t feel you need to say everything. It’s safe while you’re totally exposed and there’s no real way to define how that actually feels. Flowery adjectives and sonnets with logic laden hymns aren’t going to perform or prove or describe a damned thing. I don’t believe in fate. I know how vulnerable being in love makes two people, sometimes against their own will. But I’d rather love and suffer and all of that, than not. But not just because. But for one person I’m able to arrive to that conclusion. How effortless the effort is to be so close.

Dienstag, 28. September 2010

These boots....

I’ve been working on a few different projects this week. (2weeks ago, by now) One in particular involved money saving. All of my dark colored bras are (were) pretty thrashed from being worn & washed so much, so I got permanent black fabric dye to make them appear new again. Also, some of them have (had) tears, rips and loose straps, so I’m sewing (have sewn, rather) them back together using different fabrics; mesh, nylon, and a kind of lacy fabric I abducted from a pair of underwear. I’m a little disappointed that the “permanent” dye didn’t endure the final wash, instead it just bled them all so much that I’ll need to dye them over again. Which is a little irritating because while in the dying process, I used boiling hot water for a “richer color” and I kept them soaking for over an hour until the water cooled. Anyway, the dyes were $3 each, versus buying all new bras from Victoria’s Secret, priced typically at about $40+ a pair. Cha-Ching. At the last moment, I decided to toss in some random pair of leg warmers as well, just for a refresher. They turned out well enough though, so I’ll not need to dye those again. All in all I think it went well & I’ll definitely do this more often, also with other colors. After that I got to work on fixing some buttons on Bryan's pants and right now I'm working on something ... pretty uh, interesting, heh. Not too sure how it'll turn out yet.


This project was really just to help me get back in the sewing groove for a Halloween costume I’m making this year: Phoenix! It’s Dark Phoenix (X-Men) inspired but wings will be involved. So, I really have my work cut out for me, I think. I don’t want to speak prematurely or insist it’ll be this grand creation, but IF all goes as planned - it should be a nice costume. I’ll be making Bryan’s Death Eater costume also, but that’s basically a 5MIN closet browse and a 20MIN make-up job, haha. He’s so very uncomplicated regarding these things. He WAS going to be Dumbledore &then we would match. Sort of. (Dumbledore has a pet Phoenix) - Also I toyed with the idea of going as an Albino Kitty. - I had everything mapped out, down to using these tiny press-on baby pink rhinestones instead of whiskers, with a baby pink & stark white costume, along with pink contacts, while Bryan would go as a Wizard. We’d planned it that way to, again, match. (I think Wizards have kitty pets?) Maybe I’ll do the albino kitty idea just for fun some other time, and I’ll definitely use it as a backup plan, should I fail Phoenix.


Mittwoch, 15. September 2010

Weil meine Familie die Beste ist.

Meine große Schwester Jenn.Ich liebe sie :)


Meine allerliebste Mama.Ja,die Gesichtszüge liegen in der Familie.

Meine große Schwester Jori.
Braxton :)

Freitag, 27. August 2010

Day 02; First Love

Day 02 – First Love: — Let’s see, what is obvious here, well, Bryan. He is my first love. We met in 2001. By the 14th of January 2003 we were celebrating our first year anniversary together as an official ‘couple’ after being friends and interested in each other since '01. My first anniversary date, ever, in fact, ... well, besides a birthday. We’ve had some kind of a 'connection' to each other for about 10 years. Officially and collectively dating for around 8-9 years, since we did break-up for a time - If I’m to be technical. - Remaining friends through-out. As I matured, I started acquiring some major social issues - not to mention major 'closeness' nerves. (I don't consider those nerves as 'issues' because I think it's fair to say it's just normal to be so nervous regarding something so new & different... and for some, if not most, and mainly for women; eventful) Bryan always, always seemed to have a gratuitous amount of patience with me; he was extremely nervous, too, I'd later come to find out. But at the time, I didn't assume he was just as anxious as I was, since his demeanor was very dominant and prideful. We'd both not let our guards down in front, and for, one another, not for several years into the relationship - & in some aspects, even still a work-in-progress, today. As time went on, we very slowly, seemed to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world. I moved in with Bryan during my late teens and worked at a Starbuck's nearest his house while attending community college. Since I already had my own car, (my Grandfather's hand-me-down Volvo, & later a used BMW with a moon-roof we named Cornelius) it was easy to get Bryan and myself, around. Bryan was repeatedly scolded by my Boss - at the time - for "lurking" outside the store on each & every one of my shifts. I guess it didn't help that I'd give Bryan free drinks all day & night, too. Inseparable - & it was starting to show now, as others were noticing but not exactly 'celebrating'. When we first met, I looked differently than how I appear nowadays; the color of my hairs changed almost bi-weekly, I dressed more 'extreme', I guess. Whatever that really entails. Bryan basically looks the same, but with longer hair. What originally (physically) attracted me to him was that he wore his hairs long - little beyond chin-length, and listened to metal, heh. Perhaps this isn't obvious now, but when I was younger, I was purely spontaneous, thinking always on my toes, performing colorful stunts and if not writing all the time, reading medical textbooks and acting like someone on an insane amount of drugs - while being completely sober. A bundle of nerves, more-like. I was not the silent-&-deadly "ever so mysterious" kid, I was outlandish, in-my-own-world, and difficult to subdue. - Impenetrable, for better or for worse. But mostly that's just what I wanted others to think. Which might, inadvertently have been more "hidden & calculating" than anything else. It wasn't until the concept of 'sexuality' factored into my life that my personality would be changed; what it entailed to be attracted & close to another person, what it meant to BE attractive for another person, to try to even be 'attractive' at all - this was all very complicated & foreign to me, and it changed me, completely. It was a process, because getting gussied-up to me, was about style - not about what I can show off. Then it was: "I'll wear fishnets with a skirt today because I think that looks cool ..." and suddenly it became: "I'll wear fishnets with a skirt today because it makes me feel sexy ..." - this is simple, I realize, but for some reason blossoming had mostly been put on the back burner. - For much longer than most of my peers, as even when I look back I wonder: "Where the hell were my brains, how did I not latch onto all this stuff then?" - I really was just in some other world, not paying attention to major concepts & things. This is what I mean by Bryan being patient. He watched all of this, curiously & lovingly. Sometimes I look back and feel like everyone was in on this huge secret that I'd been unsusceptible to knowing, even with it being passed around in the most obvious places. And when you don't understand major things, once you finally do, sometimes your initial reaction is to go overboard. I think my overboard period did come but it comes only in glints with Bryan, since he has always been there allowing me simply to 'let go'. And what an unusual feeling, really. I can't say it'll always be this way, but I attribute the durability of our relationship to how careful we handled our romance from the start. Everything was discovered in a manner that's like changing all the clocks back in your parent's house a few hours before going on a date so you can stay out much, much later. Only, unintentionally. I'm not sure how to make sense of all this. I don't know how to make sense of a relationship I never wanted nor longed for, I was perfectly content not dating, but that's all past-tense now. I realize none of this could have happened, had I really been as close-fisted as I thought I was. I just know we didn't premeditate on so many things - we unfolded, disclosing various part(s) of each other, slowly.

I was always attracted to Bryan's dominance; he exuded pride in himself & everything else in his life which seemed to give me the go-ahead in completely letting loose, too. I think I've always been somewhat of a control freak, yet I hid this so well, not even I immediately knew it. heh. But I marvel at how it always felt & feels like this one person watching me - (I don't mean literally) - 'happen', applauding and encouraging each thing I'd take off or put on - (...sometimes literally) - like it didn't matter the renovations made, so long as they included an 'us' and a future together. That amazed me - still does.

If I were to describe Bryan as candidly as possible, I'd say he's... the softest nihilist I've ever known. At first glance he seems totally careless & unresponsive, and you're right - unless he loves you. I'd say this is what being in love is like for everyone, but this is our story now. ^^

Dienstag, 17. August 2010

Mal wieder im Kleiderschrank gekramt.
Und natürlich im Foto-Schrank. ...

  Lieblingsjacke von Shrinkles, Top von New Yorker.
  Ich liebe es...
 Meine Strickjacke!! <3
Ja,dasselbe Top von New Yorker. Ist zwar eher der Schlabber-Look,macht aber (meiner Meinung nach) trotzdem irgendwie was her.


The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.

Montag, 16. August 2010


Once upon a time i would do anything

For anyone; at anytime
And all i asked for was your faith
Was that to much to ask?
There is no god there is no king
There is no saint of broken dreams

There's only you and truth and soul
The superhero is you own...

Old Stuff

I found some funny old pics. I've STILL procrastinated hooking up my scanner. Surprise, surprise.
Only a few of them anyhow - so I just took pictures of the pictures and sharpened them as much as I could.
Old Pictures:

I’m kind of apprehensive by my love situation still. I know, pitiful, we've had ten years to get comfortable with each other! Nothing between us happened quickly, I think that's actually the best part though. But with it, all that scary vulnerability comes in, and perhaps he’ll never know just how much... because I am always auto-down playing my emotion, or acting so strong - like I can just handle anything that I'm faced with or that I put on myself. But I believe he knows me too well. As he ‘allows’ me to appear strong, while I need to feel that the most sometimes, even if I'm not, even while he still knows the truth. The truth being, I’m obviously just as human as he is. While love makes you believe you’re somehow much, much more than that. 2009 was all about learning how to face vulnerability. Taking what experience I've gathered growing up from teen to adult and putting it into action, from theory & thought. I've just realized there exists but one 'thing' I haven't outgrown or exchanged or changed in any way, one subject, one dream, one goal. I'm still on the path, the same vision that struck me when I was in grade school. It's very important to me, in a way feels like home, a little slice of my identity. If one were to dissect my soul, you may even be able to find it still burning, deeply rooted there. Maybe it's more than obvious what this thing is... As I do discuss it obsessively, fervently - as I do with everything I'm properly mentally fastened to. So, I guess I don't have to spell it out.

                               "At first, I saw mountains as mountains and rivers as rivers.Then, I saw mountains were not mountains and rivers were not rivers. Finally, I see mountains again as mountains, and rivers again as rivers."