Freitag, 27. August 2010

Day 02; First Love

Day 02 – First Love: — Let’s see, what is obvious here, well, Bryan. He is my first love. We met in 2001. By the 14th of January 2003 we were celebrating our first year anniversary together as an official ‘couple’ after being friends and interested in each other since '01. My first anniversary date, ever, in fact, ... well, besides a birthday. We’ve had some kind of a 'connection' to each other for about 10 years. Officially and collectively dating for around 8-9 years, since we did break-up for a time - If I’m to be technical. - Remaining friends through-out. As I matured, I started acquiring some major social issues - not to mention major 'closeness' nerves. (I don't consider those nerves as 'issues' because I think it's fair to say it's just normal to be so nervous regarding something so new & different... and for some, if not most, and mainly for women; eventful) Bryan always, always seemed to have a gratuitous amount of patience with me; he was extremely nervous, too, I'd later come to find out. But at the time, I didn't assume he was just as anxious as I was, since his demeanor was very dominant and prideful. We'd both not let our guards down in front, and for, one another, not for several years into the relationship - & in some aspects, even still a work-in-progress, today. As time went on, we very slowly, seemed to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world. I moved in with Bryan during my late teens and worked at a Starbuck's nearest his house while attending community college. Since I already had my own car, (my Grandfather's hand-me-down Volvo, & later a used BMW with a moon-roof we named Cornelius) it was easy to get Bryan and myself, around. Bryan was repeatedly scolded by my Boss - at the time - for "lurking" outside the store on each & every one of my shifts. I guess it didn't help that I'd give Bryan free drinks all day & night, too. Inseparable - & it was starting to show now, as others were noticing but not exactly 'celebrating'. When we first met, I looked differently than how I appear nowadays; the color of my hairs changed almost bi-weekly, I dressed more 'extreme', I guess. Whatever that really entails. Bryan basically looks the same, but with longer hair. What originally (physically) attracted me to him was that he wore his hairs long - little beyond chin-length, and listened to metal, heh. Perhaps this isn't obvious now, but when I was younger, I was purely spontaneous, thinking always on my toes, performing colorful stunts and if not writing all the time, reading medical textbooks and acting like someone on an insane amount of drugs - while being completely sober. A bundle of nerves, more-like. I was not the silent-&-deadly "ever so mysterious" kid, I was outlandish, in-my-own-world, and difficult to subdue. - Impenetrable, for better or for worse. But mostly that's just what I wanted others to think. Which might, inadvertently have been more "hidden & calculating" than anything else. It wasn't until the concept of 'sexuality' factored into my life that my personality would be changed; what it entailed to be attracted & close to another person, what it meant to BE attractive for another person, to try to even be 'attractive' at all - this was all very complicated & foreign to me, and it changed me, completely. It was a process, because getting gussied-up to me, was about style - not about what I can show off. Then it was: "I'll wear fishnets with a skirt today because I think that looks cool ..." and suddenly it became: "I'll wear fishnets with a skirt today because it makes me feel sexy ..." - this is simple, I realize, but for some reason blossoming had mostly been put on the back burner. - For much longer than most of my peers, as even when I look back I wonder: "Where the hell were my brains, how did I not latch onto all this stuff then?" - I really was just in some other world, not paying attention to major concepts & things. This is what I mean by Bryan being patient. He watched all of this, curiously & lovingly. Sometimes I look back and feel like everyone was in on this huge secret that I'd been unsusceptible to knowing, even with it being passed around in the most obvious places. And when you don't understand major things, once you finally do, sometimes your initial reaction is to go overboard. I think my overboard period did come but it comes only in glints with Bryan, since he has always been there allowing me simply to 'let go'. And what an unusual feeling, really. I can't say it'll always be this way, but I attribute the durability of our relationship to how careful we handled our romance from the start. Everything was discovered in a manner that's like changing all the clocks back in your parent's house a few hours before going on a date so you can stay out much, much later. Only, unintentionally. I'm not sure how to make sense of all this. I don't know how to make sense of a relationship I never wanted nor longed for, I was perfectly content not dating, but that's all past-tense now. I realize none of this could have happened, had I really been as close-fisted as I thought I was. I just know we didn't premeditate on so many things - we unfolded, disclosing various part(s) of each other, slowly.

I was always attracted to Bryan's dominance; he exuded pride in himself & everything else in his life which seemed to give me the go-ahead in completely letting loose, too. I think I've always been somewhat of a control freak, yet I hid this so well, not even I immediately knew it. heh. But I marvel at how it always felt & feels like this one person watching me - (I don't mean literally) - 'happen', applauding and encouraging each thing I'd take off or put on - (...sometimes literally) - like it didn't matter the renovations made, so long as they included an 'us' and a future together. That amazed me - still does.

If I were to describe Bryan as candidly as possible, I'd say he's... the softest nihilist I've ever known. At first glance he seems totally careless & unresponsive, and you're right - unless he loves you. I'd say this is what being in love is like for everyone, but this is our story now. ^^

Dienstag, 17. August 2010

Mal wieder im Kleiderschrank gekramt.
Und natürlich im Foto-Schrank. ...

  Lieblingsjacke von Shrinkles, Top von New Yorker.
  Ich liebe es...
 Meine Strickjacke!! <3
Ja,dasselbe Top von New Yorker. Ist zwar eher der Schlabber-Look,macht aber (meiner Meinung nach) trotzdem irgendwie was her.


The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.

Montag, 16. August 2010


Once upon a time i would do anything

For anyone; at anytime
And all i asked for was your faith
Was that to much to ask?
There is no god there is no king
There is no saint of broken dreams

There's only you and truth and soul
The superhero is you own...

Old Stuff

I found some funny old pics. I've STILL procrastinated hooking up my scanner. Surprise, surprise.
Only a few of them anyhow - so I just took pictures of the pictures and sharpened them as much as I could.
Old Pictures:

I’m kind of apprehensive by my love situation still. I know, pitiful, we've had ten years to get comfortable with each other! Nothing between us happened quickly, I think that's actually the best part though. But with it, all that scary vulnerability comes in, and perhaps he’ll never know just how much... because I am always auto-down playing my emotion, or acting so strong - like I can just handle anything that I'm faced with or that I put on myself. But I believe he knows me too well. As he ‘allows’ me to appear strong, while I need to feel that the most sometimes, even if I'm not, even while he still knows the truth. The truth being, I’m obviously just as human as he is. While love makes you believe you’re somehow much, much more than that. 2009 was all about learning how to face vulnerability. Taking what experience I've gathered growing up from teen to adult and putting it into action, from theory & thought. I've just realized there exists but one 'thing' I haven't outgrown or exchanged or changed in any way, one subject, one dream, one goal. I'm still on the path, the same vision that struck me when I was in grade school. It's very important to me, in a way feels like home, a little slice of my identity. If one were to dissect my soul, you may even be able to find it still burning, deeply rooted there. Maybe it's more than obvious what this thing is... As I do discuss it obsessively, fervently - as I do with everything I'm properly mentally fastened to. So, I guess I don't have to spell it out.

                               "At first, I saw mountains as mountains and rivers as rivers.Then, I saw mountains were not mountains and rivers were not rivers. Finally, I see mountains again as mountains, and rivers again as rivers."